Fast food nightmares

20 07 2012

Long time readers will know that food is one of my favourite subjects to write about, in particular I have a sick fascination with crappy fast food.

If it has more fat than a pig, enough calories to stop 1,000 hearts and will clog not just your arteries but your toilet as well then I want to know about it. Not eat it, just marvel in it’s awfulness.

Recently I have stumbled across enough crimes against gastronomy that I decided it was time for another round up:

Chili’s Awesome Blossom

How the hell do you manage to turn a harmless little onion into such a festering piece of crap?

Well somehow the good folks at Chili’s managed it. Kudos guys, kudos.

I have actually eaten an Awesome Blossom and let me tell you the only thing awesome about it was the mess that a visit to Chili’s made in the bathroom when we got home.

We shared this monstrosity between 5 of us and not a single person enjoyed it.
Crunchy deep fried crap over some slimey, gooey onion all dipped in a tub of bright pink, tepid goo…what’s not to love?

KFC Mashed Potato Bowl

Correct me if I’m wrong but this looks suspisciously like someone vomited in a bowler hat and then took a dump atop the whole vile mess.

According to KFC this is not an item of milinery filled with vomit and turds but is actually a tub filled with mashed potatoes, layered with sweet corn, and “loaded” with pieces of fried chicken. To really tip this over the edge they then top it off with gravy and cheese.

Mmmmm, doesn’t tht sound good. You are right it doesn’t.

I will admit to being surprised at KFC, I didn’t think they could dream up anything worse than the Double Down. But somehow they pulled it off, this looks like you could place it directly in the toilet and just cut out the tedious business of eating this crap.

Chocolate Thunder from Down Under

That’s right someone actually called a food substance “Chocolate Thunder from Down Under”, if that doesn’t set warning bells rining in your ears I don’t know what would!

The name brings to mind an immediate, urgent need to evacuate ones bowels. Possibly in a rather messy fashion.

Luckily for punters at Outback their version is just a desert

“An extra generous pecan brownie is topped with rich vanilla ice cream, drizzled with our warm chocolate sauce and finished with chocolate shavings and whipped cream.”

Now I know what you are thinking, that doesn’t sound too bad, what is he on about?

Well for starters there is that name, I just don’t trust it. Secondly this thing is pretty much death on a plate:

Nutrition Facts

Amount per Serving
Calories 1,220
Calories from Fat 702.0
 
That is half  of a full grown man’s calorific intake and over 120% of the recommended daily intake of fat. From desert, that’s food you eat after you have had your food.
 
Thirdly I just don’t dig the Aussie theme. When I think of the great cuisines of the World Australia just never crosses my mind, after all this is the country that gave us the meat pie floater.
 
Aussie Cheese Fries
 
Just to get you headed in the right direction for your Chocolate Thunder from Down Under what better side dish to tuck into than a big, dirty plate of Aussie Cheese fries….
 
 
 Mmmm doesn’t that just look like a treat?
 Well actually it doesn’t, it just looks like a mess. How the hell can a “restaurant” serve this crap?
 
Topping the scales at a whopping 2,900 calories the Aussie fries are liberally smoothered in bacon and a radioactive looking orange gloop laughably referred to as cheese.
 
I wouldn’t serve this shit to a mortal enemy, let alone charge money for it.
 
On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef
 
Hmm a salad, sounds good hey? Wrong!
 
This “Taco Beef” salad some served in an edible bowl made of deef tried tortilas…mmmh well that is guaranteed to help you drop that dress size
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Adebayor to join Spurs on a permanent basis

10 07 2012

Perennial flops Tottenham Hotspurs are set to smash their wage cap in order to make incredible sulk Emmanuel Adebayor their highest paid player.

The North London-based under-achievers were impressed by Adebayor during his season long loan at that hole in the ground they call Whitehart Lane and are willing to offer 6million to make the deal permanent.

Adebayor is out of favour with his current employers Man City who are looking to clear the decks before adding Robin Van Persie to their collection of former Gunners. The miserable one is likely to be joined in the Man City striker exodus by Edin Dzeko, Carlos Tevez and Roque Santa Cruz.

Spurs are looking at giving the Togolese striker a four million pound signing on fee and a princely 115k a week in wages. No doubt as soon as he signs his bumper new contract Adebayor will pull his usual stunt of cutting back his efforts by 50-60% and  then complaining about the calibre of players around him.





The World’s End – Camden

9 05 2012

Here be Demons

I have never really understood why but an awful lot of people rave on and on and on about The World’s End as if it were the be all and end all of pubs.

Well it isn’t.

I honestly wonder if they are venturing through some portal into another dimension as in reality the WE is a tedious, boring, overly large tourist trap that plays annoying trendy music at pretty much any hour of the day or night.

However there is one distinction that I have to highlight. The World’s End is now the official recipient of my very own “Shittiest Beer Ever” award.

Three of us hung around this giant turd of a pub long enough to have 2 pints each as we had dinner reservations just round the corner and couldn’t be arsed to walk any further.

We each ordered a different pint and they were all absolute crud. Now I should take a moment to clarify here, we aren’t talking some rare amber nectar brewed by silent monks in the hinterlands of Nepal. No, we had Guinness, Old Speckled Hen and London Pride, not exactly the hardest beers to keep correctly.

The pints we received ran the whole gamut of foul… from an oily, dirty sheen on the ‘Hen to a slightly fishy taste and smell from the Guinness.

In summary: stay well away.

0.25/5





Worst goalie kit ever…

20 07 2011

I am sat here in complete shock and awe this morning.

Not because Arsene Wenger has blown 100mil on 3 world class signings or because I have won the Euromillions but because of this…

Handy for away matches in Afghanistan

It is of course the Everton goalkeeper kit for the 2011/2012 season and it is quite frankly shit.

Camouflage undoubtedly has many many uses however I am really not sure it has any place on the football pitch. I just really cant work out what the point is maybe Everton are hoping to gain a new found fan base in the armed forces??

Just in case you aren’t convinced of how shit this really is here is a picture of Tim Howard completely failing to blend into the background.








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