Fast food nightmares

20 07 2012

Long time readers will know that food is one of my favourite subjects to write about, in particular I have a sick fascination with crappy fast food.

If it has more fat than a pig, enough calories to stop 1,000 hearts and will clog not just your arteries but your toilet as well then I want to know about it. Not eat it, just marvel in it’s awfulness.

Recently I have stumbled across enough crimes against gastronomy that I decided it was time for another round up:

Chili’s Awesome Blossom

How the hell do you manage to turn a harmless little onion into such a festering piece of crap?

Well somehow the good folks at Chili’s managed it. Kudos guys, kudos.

I have actually eaten an Awesome Blossom and let me tell you the only thing awesome about it was the mess that a visit to Chili’s made in the bathroom when we got home.

We shared this monstrosity between 5 of us and not a single person enjoyed it.
Crunchy deep fried crap over some slimey, gooey onion all dipped in a tub of bright pink, tepid goo…what’s not to love?

KFC Mashed Potato Bowl

Correct me if I’m wrong but this looks suspisciously like someone vomited in a bowler hat and then took a dump atop the whole vile mess.

According to KFC this is not an item of milinery filled with vomit and turds but is actually a tub filled with mashed potatoes, layered with sweet corn, and “loaded” with pieces of fried chicken. To really tip this over the edge they then top it off with gravy and cheese.

Mmmmm, doesn’t tht sound good. You are right it doesn’t.

I will admit to being surprised at KFC, I didn’t think they could dream up anything worse than the Double Down. But somehow they pulled it off, this looks like you could place it directly in the toilet and just cut out the tedious business of eating this crap.

Chocolate Thunder from Down Under

That’s right someone actually called a food substance “Chocolate Thunder from Down Under”, if that doesn’t set warning bells rining in your ears I don’t know what would!

The name brings to mind an immediate, urgent need to evacuate ones bowels. Possibly in a rather messy fashion.

Luckily for punters at Outback their version is just a desert

“An extra generous pecan brownie is topped with rich vanilla ice cream, drizzled with our warm chocolate sauce and finished with chocolate shavings and whipped cream.”

Now I know what you are thinking, that doesn’t sound too bad, what is he on about?

Well for starters there is that name, I just don’t trust it. Secondly this thing is pretty much death on a plate:

Nutrition Facts

Amount per Serving
Calories 1,220
Calories from Fat 702.0
 
That is half  of a full grown man’s calorific intake and over 120% of the recommended daily intake of fat. From desert, that’s food you eat after you have had your food.
 
Thirdly I just don’t dig the Aussie theme. When I think of the great cuisines of the World Australia just never crosses my mind, after all this is the country that gave us the meat pie floater.
 
Aussie Cheese Fries
 
Just to get you headed in the right direction for your Chocolate Thunder from Down Under what better side dish to tuck into than a big, dirty plate of Aussie Cheese fries….
 
 
 Mmmm doesn’t that just look like a treat?
 Well actually it doesn’t, it just looks like a mess. How the hell can a “restaurant” serve this crap?
 
Topping the scales at a whopping 2,900 calories the Aussie fries are liberally smoothered in bacon and a radioactive looking orange gloop laughably referred to as cheese.
 
I wouldn’t serve this shit to a mortal enemy, let alone charge money for it.
 
On the Border Grande Taco Salad with Taco Beef
 
Hmm a salad, sounds good hey? Wrong!
 
This “Taco Beef” salad some served in an edible bowl made of deef tried tortilas…mmmh well that is guaranteed to help you drop that dress size
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One response

1 08 2012
Steven Olson

Very interesting topic, thanks for putting up.

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